Haymitch: She is Lost to Me
by TheLittleSilverWhistle
Summary: My first fic No one ever says what really happened in between when haymitch won the 50th games and the 74th. how did he lose his family? what were his thoughts as he mentored peeta and katniss? this is my interpretation. May have more chpts later on


Haymitch Abernathy: She is Lost Me

I had spent the first few years after my games in relative comfort. Living in the Victors Village with my parents was awkward, but manageable. Especially when my girls came to visit me. Since the games, I had become the center of many girls' fantasies, but I only had eyes for Zuriyah Walker. She lived in the Seam, like I did, and she had the trademark olive toned skin and grey eyes to prove it. Her eyes were less of the stormy grey like mine and more of a silver flecked with white.

Zuriyah had never had an easy life, what with working in the Hob all day and cooking and cleaning once she got home. She cared for her 2 younger sisters and younger brother while her mother and father worked in the mines.

Since I had more money than I knew what to do with, our families shared my winnings . The extra money lightened everyones workload tremendously.

I still had nightmares about being in the games and all the families that were mourning while mine lived on happily. I doubted that they would ever go away. The images that my subconcious cropped up were terrifying.

_-NIGHTMARE-_

_ I was walking, the landscape around me never changing enough to encourage me to go faster. I could feel myself tiring, but I knew I couldn't stop. I couldn't remember if I was running away from something or towards something. It never ended, the trees that were too perfect and the grass that was too green stretching on and on and on..._

_-END NIGHTMARE-_

looking back on it, I shouldn't have been scared. But the dream (or dreams) never ceased to wake me up in the night, shivering in fear and cold because I was always drenched in sweat.

+O+

The year I was required to mentor was the year Shale Lawnahew finally died. He was our only victor in the 50 years befor me. He wasnt too old, but he was older than most people in our district, considering disease and hunger took thousands of lives each year. But when you're a victor, you want for nothing. Anyways. Back to Shale. Hw won th 17th games at 16 years old, which made him 51. He had some heart problems when he was getting on in his years, and the story that the mayor and apothecaries was that he died of a heart attack in the middle of the night. There was nothing else wrong with him, so we had no choice but to believe everything that they told us.

That first year, I sent 2 kids to their deaths. I remember their names, and I probably always will. I try not to think about them often, because it hurts too much to wonder if I could have done anything different. Liliana Hanns was the female tribute, moderately pretty with long brown hair and a thin frame. Jason Hendricks was the male tribute. He was thin and wiry and had probably never had a full meal in his life. Jason died in the bloodbath, a district 2 player stabbing through his back with a jewled knife from the cornocopia. Liliana made it through the first week by allying herself with the male District 11 tribute... maybe his name was Flaer? Fire? I don't really care to remember.

They kept each other alive, with him gathering food and her watching his back. When the others found them, there were only 13 people left. The 3 remaining careers had been watching Liliana and What's-his-face for a few days, learning their behavious and habits. They quietly slit the boy's throat without alerting Liliana, but they couldn't hide the sound of his canon going off. When she realized what happened, Liliana flew away from her enemies on feet so swift, she was just a blur through the trees. For a while, it ooked like she would get away. That is, until she ran right into a trap set by either one of the other tributes or the gamemakers. A net on the ground swung her up, until she was a ruffled, angry ball wrapped in rope.

I knew she couldn't move, and she knew she couldn't escape, so idid the only thing I could for her. I scarped together the meager funds we had from sponsers and purchased a small sliver dagger. When the parachute came into view of Liliana's stoic form, she smiled and caught the parcel on an outstretched hand that she had squeezed through the net. Liliana had a bit of a challenge unraveling the fabric, but when she finally got it open and she saw the knife, her face broke out into a smile of... Elation?

Most of the audience assumed that she would use the knife to free herself, but she defied all of them. She twisted the knife around so that it was facing her throat, and carefully slid it into her windpipe. The last thing she said was a whispered "Thank you," that the cameras barely picked up. She was gone, but at least now she was safe.

I rarely look back on the tributes who died under my care in the games. I was too busy distracting myself. After 4 years of sending kids to die in an arena that was designed to make their last days hell, I mentally jumped ship. Chaff, the district 11 mentor became my drinking buddy, once I was old enough to purchase alcohol for myself. I couldn't face any of my problems sober anymore.

When I returned home, to the Victor's Village, I saw the families that were grieving for lost children. I saw the district that would scrape by for another year until we had to celebrate 2 of our children being taken away. But then I saw Zuriyah and my heart broke.

She was deathly thin, her cheeks just sunken pits on her face. Her once bright and flitting eyes stared ahead, dull and empty. I couldn't believe she had changed so much in the 2 months that I was gone for the games. Did she do this to herself? Did someone hut her? Endless questions flooded my mind as soon as I saw the state she was in.

When I got home, my brother Cherron filled me in. He told me that some Capitol officials had visited the house, looking for Zuriyah. She talked to them, and no one knew what the officials had to say, though I was almost positive it had something to do with me. Shortly after that, Zuriyah started to become depressed, and seeing me make a fool of myself on the T.V. Didn't help at all.

Nevermind that it wasnt _**all**_ my fault that Zuriyah was sick, I still felt enormously guilty and I tried to make it up to her. The two of us had a happy- if stressful- relationship for the next 2 ½ years. When I turned 21, President Snow came to visit me in my home in district 12.

He told me all of the "details" of a victors life after the games. How their bodies were utilized to keep _imortant _people happy. When I point-blank refused his proposal, he shook his head sadly and informed me that I would reget my descision.

I did. Every second of every minute of the rest of my life. I wondered, at least once a day, how different my life would have been if I had just agreed to Snow's stupid _idea.___They would all still be alive. My calm, reassuring mother, always telling me thigs would be better tomorrow. My father, strong and capable. He kept us alive when things were hard and we didnt have enough to eat every day. M brother, Cherron, annoying at times but completely amazing. My love, my only reason for living was gone. Zuriyah, my girl, was dead and it was all my fault. She flew on the edges of my nightmares now, hiding in the shadows draped in gossamer gowns that only showed how beautiful she was.

I was a completely different perosn than the confused 16 year old boy who won the 50th hunger games. I slipped back into my old habits of drinking my problems away. It was nice, not being aware enough to feel the pain. But when the blurriness wore off from my mind, the things I was running from hit me like a brick wall in my face.

Later on, I settled into my anger and resentment like an old pair of shoes that still fit perfectly when I found them in the back of my closet years later. I didnt let the grief of losing everything I had wash over me often, when I was sure I was alone. I would curl into myself and cry for hours on end. I would let the pain fill me, define who I was. Those were the times that I realized that Snow would have gotten what he wanted one way or another.

I decided that I would never give him the satisfaction of getting to me again. I never grew close to anyone else, shutting myself away in my home in the Victor's Village. I refused his suggestions and ignored his threats. What could he do, kill me? That wasnt a punidhment any longer. Besides, he couldn't leave district 12 without a victor/mentor, no that wouldn't do. Snow had no control over me.

Since he had murdered Zuriyah, Snow had destroyed any chance he had of controlling me. Even though she is lost to me, I will never be without my girl.

Even though she is lost to me, Zuriyah will never let go of my heart.

I will always have my girl guiding me.

She is lost to me, but not forever.

I will be free to float on with my girl in gossamer robes that do not bind us in any way but to each other, forever.

Soon, I will be with my angel again.


End file.
